Little steps

It's difficult to know where to start or how to explain my absence from this space without just coming right out and saying it.

 So. Because I want to share it and because it's been an experience so huge for me that I can't move forward without acknowledging what we've been through I'm going to tell you just where I've been.

A few short - but long, so, so long - days ago we were preparing our family for a new member. I was 16 weeks pregnant. Four months. I'd been writing my blog post to announce this wonderful news in my head for weeks but in the mad rush to Christmas and the level of crazy that life takes on during the festive season - on top of morning sickness and general pregnancy weariness - I never got the chance.

Now, sadly, I haven't such joyful news to share. I lost my baby 2 weeks ago, at home, supported by my wonderful midwife. The story of my too-soon birth is huge. Too huge for here. But let's just say that physiologically it's been one hell of a journey...so much so that my heart is only now beginning to catch up to the loss of my baby girl as I lay in bed, new iPad in hand :), recovering from anaemia.

 I could say so much more but I wouldn't know when or how to stop. I could begin a rant and rave about the stark difference in my care between my beautiful home birth midwife and the hospital staff whom I sought help from when my body needed it. Or I could tell you instead about the storm that was brewing but never broke the evening we buried our daughter. Or about my wonderful mum moving in to take care of my boys and I while I build up my blood supply and begin my journey of recovery. Or the amazing support of my friends who have provided meals, child care, a shoulder to cry on and shown such kindness and love I could never repay them. Or.... See? Where to stop? Too huge.

So now I am taking little steps. Back to Normal Life. To blogging. To leaving the house - 17 days and besides hospital and doctor visits so far just one outing....to the pet food store for cat food yesterday afternoon. Big moment! Back to reading my boys their bedtime stories, feeding them and playing with them. Back to my body which no longer contains a new life, a wee baby who should have been entering our lives in June.

 Little steps...